The Origami Box

2003-05-28T22:46:00.000-04:00

Domestic Tragedy

I wonder what makes young people, so deeply lost. So hurt, frustrated, and confused that suicide seems like a reasonable solution. I wonder how such a young heart, can carry such pain, and yet I know it’s possible because I’ve carried my own. I can’t understand why teens who stand on roof tops (not literally of course) screaming for help, never receive it. It’s bad enough that some people don’t want help, and end up as statistics, but the ones that do, that want to survive, should be given every opportunity to do so. No one should have to feel alone, or cry themselves to sleep at night. I wish for just one day that each person on earth could see themselves through the eyes of the person who loves them most. I wish that each parent, each husband, wife, girlfriend, brother, uncle, grandpa… that each person had just fifteen minutes of totally free untainted time a day, to really to listen to what those around them are saying.

Life is so precious, no one should want to die.

I don’t understand how we call ourselves the best country in the world, when our people are taking themselves out of it. I don’t understand why the world still spins when all this is happening… how can children kill themselves, and the world as a whole still be ok? That is not ok. I am so lost, and so frustrated myself as to how to help my friends, who don’t want help… how to bring light to someone, who has no windows… I love them too much to watch them die, and yet I don’t know how to help them live.

Cutting, Drugging, Drinking, Meaningless Sex, Suicide…
This is what our world has become you know.
Young, old, beautiful, ugly, intelligent, average, funny…
There is no bias when it comes to suicide, and addictions.
None.

Everyone seems to be doing it, and so many are joining each day. Children six, and seven hanging themselves, leaving suicide notes sprawled out in crayon, barely about to form the letters that make up their last words. What makes a six year old that lost… what can possibly be so bad? Babies born already having had all chances ripped from them by their drug addicted mothers who left them to die of withdrawal in hospitals while they went to get their next fix. I hate this world. I hate what’s it become. No where is safe anymore. Not suburbia, not the city, not the country… problems are everywhere, and people are escaping them everyday. It makes me wonder what has changed from a hundred years ago until now. We aren’t going to die in a war with Iraq, from nuclear weapons, or bio-terrorism diseases. I don’t see why that scares everyone so much. Why is this coming war so scary. You’ve lived in domestic war for all your life. Except here you don’t know who plays for what side, your neighbor becomes your enemy when you didn’t even know you were fighting. We aren’t going to die at the hands of others… we are going to die, from ourselves. From the lack of our knowledge on how to cope. It is killing us, and no one knows how to deal with it anymore, so we stick our heads in the sand, and the situation has just gained another victim.

We have war in our backyard, and you worry about Iraq.
Something is almost laughable about that.

2003-05-25T23:00:00.000-04:00

Things That Hurt Tonight

Among many others which I did not save...
"I never expected us to last this long."
...with many more to come, I'm sure.

2003-05-25T00:07:00.000-04:00

Should Have Stayed Anti-Social

I watched Gia tonight. Great, great, great movie. Somewhat because the story line was interesting and thought-provoking, but mostly because Angelina Jolie was a lesbian. My friend watched it with me, and then about an hour after the movie was over got pissed off at me, or about something or other, and didn't talk to me for the hour before she went home. I'm not even going to try and figure that out.

Megan is being avoidant online. Sarcastic, condescending, and arrogrant as per usual. With every word I said to her, she was making me feel more and more stupid, so I decided to stop talking to her. The thing I realized for the first time tonight though, was it no longer hurts. I honestly have reached the point of not caring... if we're together and having a good time, great... if she hates me, that's ok too. I guess the question is why do we stay together; my response, why not?

2003-05-23T13:07:00.000-04:00

Playing Mommy

Tonight I get to play mommy for one of my favorite little boys. His mom called me this morning to ask if I would babysit, and luckily since I had the day off, I got her call. I told her I would be more than glad to. So tonight at 7:30 she is picking me up, and I'll probably be there until around midnight. I was just telling my mom last night how I miss Alex since I've taken some time off from the center. He's the cutest little boy and I absolutely adore him, and being without him, and all the other kids I adore so much at the center really is hard. I've known, and watched most of those kids grow up since they were infants. I watched them take their first steps, and say their first words... and shared so many hugs and kisses with them, that I honestly feel loved for life. Anyway, I really miss them, all of them, so babysitting tonight will be a real treat.

As soon as I get there Alex lites up, pulling me off into his play room, roaming around laughing, and whacking golf balls at him. Alex is a real energenic little boy. We usually play golf, or toss a ball around the house, climb on the furniture, and slide down his slide. Some nights it seems like he's going to go forever but as the night winds down we read stories, and play with quiet things, before we sit down for a snack and some warm milk. Watching TV with him is really funny, because at just under two years old, all he wants to watch is sports. AS you flip through the channels he says "no, no, no" and then when you reach something with sports on, he lets out the cutest little "ooooo". Most kids would think sports are boring, but Alex will sit and watch a whole game of golf, or a whole basketball game, and be totally enthralled by it, making comments just like his daddy through out the game, though a little less sophisticated.

Babysitting him really is the easiest, most enjoyable job I have ever had, and though they pay really well, I'd probably babysit him for free, because it really is my pleasure. For a couple hours to feel like a mom, and fufill my motherly desires of teaching, and nuturing a child. My favorite part is at night just before he falls asleep. We'll sit in his room reading the fire truck book, rocking back and forth, with the little guy in my lap. Usually as the story is about to end he turns around and lays on my shoulder, holding me with his little hands, and I'll rock back and forth singing some songs, and rubbing his back. He doesn't last five minutes most of the time, but I sit with him anyway, and continue to sing. I've never felt a greater feeling than having a baby in your arms. It really is so full of love, and so tender, and sweet. Eventually I have to lay him down in his crib, but I could honestly stay there with him all night.

I love that little boy, hopefully just as much as he loves me.

2003-05-21T21:28:00.000-04:00

A Tale Of the Hot Sub

Most substitutes at my school, are the absolute worst people in the world. I can not even begin to tell you about some of the shadier ones, but it really leaves me to wonder where they find such useless, pathetic, so-called human beings., seemingly out of some "under-world". Actually I have to tell you about this one substitute that we had for Geometry. The man was about four foot tall, and spoke at the most fifteen words of english. He wrote our assignment on the board, and then sat down and began to read a book that was called something like Uncovering: The KKK. No one in my class did their assignment because we rarely do work on a day when the teacher is there, let alone when he's not. About halfway through the period the sub became upset that no one had handed in their paper, and that too many people were asking to leave the room, and then not returning. Right in the middle of the speech this kid, asked him what he was reading, totally disregarding the fact that he was trying to discipline us. He made replied, and then the kid made some comment back, asking if he wanted to join the KKK. This is when the man became a true psycho. He started rambling off in russian, and then something about his family, and then some more russian. Another student who decided she needed to go to the bathroom, preceeded to try and walk out of the room after having her hand raised for ten minutes to no avail. He ran over to the door, tried to call the office on the intercom phone and when no one answered, he ripped the phone out of the wall, and hit her with it. Yes, actually hit her. She then ran down the hall way yelling, and he chased behind her phone in hand, yelling in russian. Eventually some other teachers came out, tried to find out what was going on, sent both of them up to the office with a security guard and left everyone in the room alone, totally forgetting we were now unattended. We were unattended for the rest of the period. The substitute, and the student ended up settling with the school... the student would not file criminal assault charges, and the man would not be allowed back in the school, but would have a complaint drawn up on him and added into the NJ Board of Education system.

A month later, the man not only was back in our school, but he came to sub for our Geometry teacher again. So much for that agreement.

Anyway, onto the real point of this entry, as I said, most substitutes are the least respectable humans on earth, but there is rare occasion where one comes along, and that goes out the window. Today was one of those days. I first had this substitute for my computers class. For the moment I walked in I knew she was gay. Not to be sterotypical (though I am allowed, it's my own community) but she looked gay, sounded gay, and my gaydar was going off like crazy. Through out the class she preceeded to hit on me, we discussed the college she graduated from, which happened to be the same one I want to attend (Mount Holyoke), and then when class ended she and I stayed a minute talking, and she gave me her e-mail address. We never wrote to eachother, but I have thought about it from time to time, starting off with something simple like questions about the college, or some other very casual conversation. She was very attractive, we seemed to have chemisty, she seemed to like me as much I liked her, and was interested in talking to me again... but when class ended and days turned into weeks and I hadn't seen her again she faded out of mind. OUt of sight, out of mind I guess. Today though, when I went into the office to get a route slip for my early dismissal she was working the early dismissal desk. We both lit up when we saw eachother, joked around a little, and talked. She surely started off my morning on the right foot. Eye candy always makes the day a little brighter, and yummier. She wouldn't give me my pass because she apparently wanted me to have a reason to come back, so I went back later and we talked and laughed some more. When I was leaving to go home, she ran into me again, and we flirted a bit in the hallway. Was very fun. Made my day. She's so funny, so hot, and so... wow. She's a very delicious person. Her spikey-ish blonde hair, black glasses, and ears full of silver studs. She's one of the best looking girls I've seen around her. She very much fits what I think a "feminist-lesbian" looks like, very much an icon of the average Mount Holyoke student. I can't put her into words besides to say she's one of the hottest people I've seen in a long time, who really attracts me with her quick wit, and non-chalant personality.

The Hot Sub, as she's known around my school, I think has a thing for me, as much as I do for her.